My Life In A Layover….Based on a True Story

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The Departure (The beginning/this is my moment)

On May 10, 2010, I walked across the stage with bright lights, classmates and family screaming my name into a luminous future I thought was set for me. The moment was so surreal. Who would have thought me, Tiffany, would be the first college graduate in my family. I knew my grandmother was smiling from heaven and it was a blessing for my daughter to witness this moment. This moment, my moment, one I had worked so hard for. This moment, my moment, where I fought my father, negative thoughts and even an old enemy called a learning disability to persevere in the midst of doubters . Here I am, a proud college graduate with a degree in Public Relations. Yes, this is a career I was made for. Being a publicist, it was my dream that no one could take from me. I was overwhelmed with joy. Now, I can move forward in a career and take care of my daughter and family. My plan was to pursue a career in public relations to not only help my family but to take people to another level in their life. Yes, I had big plans in my life. Yes, I DID HAVE big plans in my life. No one told me that being a college graduate during an economic recession would be filled with disappoints and doubts. My life from then on will be a plane ride with a lot of turbulence. The twists and turns would make me doubt my dream and even my moment. Yes, even that joyful moment.
The Flight (The realization of a dream deferred)
Upon graduation, I assumed that I would begin my career at a firm. I solely believed any firm would hire me because of all of my qualities. I love being around people and writing. I enjoyed the idea of hearing a person’s ideas and taking it to next level. I am an analytical person. I was always analyzing every commercial and campaign that ever came on television. I even thought about ideas to make that campaign better. So, a person who has all these qualities should not ever have to deal with the struggle of finding a firm. Right?? So wrong… Each, and every, time I got up in the morning, I searched on Indeed, Career Builder and Monster for Public Relations jobs. With my morning coffee and full of energy, I applied to everyone. My email soon became filled with the tagline, “Although, your application was impressive we decided to pursue other candidates. “ Denial after denial had me doubting the very thing I was so confident in, since my early childhood. I had to face the facts about a promise I made to my husband. I promised my husband that once he returned from Afghanistan that we would be fine, financially. I will be starting my career, he can quit his nighttime job and he can finish school. I felt indebted to my husband because he put his school on hold so I could finish. My husband was understanding and supportive but it still did not fill the void in my life. What am I to do? Where should I go? Who should I turn to?
Turbulence (The struggle gets real)
Every door was slammed in my face. So, I began to fall into a deep depression. Thoughts of taking my own life seemed to be the answer. My biggest fear was to die broke and not leaving my mark on the world. My dream, as a little girl, was never to become local, but global. Bills were piling up and people around me were getting blessed ten times bigger. At this point, I became mad at God. I thought to myself, I am your child so why are you treating me like this? I was churched out from sayings like:
It’s all in God’s timing.
What God has in store for you, it is for you.
Wait on the Lord. He may not come when you want him, but He is always on time.
It’s your season, your harvest is coming.
This is not the time for you to give up now.
You are next in line for your blessing.
Trust me: I’ve heard it all. My question was, “Lord, how long?” Why do you keep showing me in my dreams but nothing is coming to pass? Then, I thought what am I doing wrong? I got fed up and mad. I always came to God and said, “Lord, something has to give before I give up.” I stopped praying because I felt, and it still feels, like my prayers fell on deaf ears. My selfishness wants things to happen now, not in 10 or 20 years, but right now. Meanwhile, I am slowing falling back into a deep depression, sinking lower in doubt, and forcibly killing my dream with my bare hands. The baby I created drown in my unbelief. Finally, I felt less than a mother, wife, friend, and human being. I was a failure. My faith was absolutely gone. I was walking around a wounded woman bleeding openly from my heart. I’ve given all I got, what is next?
The Layover (Here I stand now.)
After my depression, I came out happy again and with a new perspective. At least, I had my health, family, friends and a hobby (my blog). I thought: I want to make myself more rounded. School became an option for me again. I felt a need to have a sense of accomplishment instead of lying at home, feeling sorry for myself. My time was spent on filling out applications and asking close friends and associates for favors. I felt good about my decision and I celebrated in the fact I will be attending school again. I found my happy place. But once again, the closing doors reopened the heart wound I thought was healed. I couldn’t go to school because I was not accepted into the program. Other applicants were better than me. So, I am not good enough to succeed. Lord, why is this happening to me, AGAIN? At this moment, I feel lost and stuck. Whitney Houston says it best, “Every road that I’ve taken led to my regret. I don’t know if I’m going to make it, nothing to do but lift my hands.” Honestly, I’m tired of crying and trying to achieve something I once believed in. The threshold of a seemingly open door now scares me. My heart can’t take the pain of disappointment anymore. The struggle is real, now more than it’s ever been because I’m staring 30 in the face. My life is waiting in the balance. I am waiting for my next flight. I want the runway to be clear for takeoff. I do thank my friends and family for encouraging me. At this point, I have lost faith in myself. I don’t believe in me anymore. I’m writing this while I’m going through to see if there are people out there who have been where I’ve been. If you have, how did you get through it? HONESTLY, I NEED HELP. I AM REACHING OUT TO OTHERS WHO FEEL HOW I FEEL. I don’t know what my next step is or the next move to make. My life is in a long layover mode. I am sitting in the airport of life watching others take off to their next destination while I wait….alone….for my flight.

Is it coming or will it ever come FOR ME…..

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Life After Whitney Part Two: Cissy Houston Speaks Out (Full Interview)

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Next Chapter | Cissy Houston (FULL EPISODE) by Ashley_Miller_3

Last night, I was on high anticipation for the new season of Rupaul’s Drag Race. Since, I am a megafan of series, I was excited to see what the new queens had to offer. Before watching the new season, I decided to get on Instagram to look at some pictures. One of my followers mentioned about the Cissy Houston‘s interview with Oprah. I immediately had to reschedule my monday night television show lineup. This would be the first time since Cissy spoke publicly about her daughter’s death. As you know, the talent singer Whitney Houston died on February 11, 2012 in California. Life After Whitney Cissy Houston is interviewed by the fabulous Oprah Winfrey on her OWN network. I have to give Oprah her props, she has proved OWN network can achieve high ratings.  Last week, she had Lance Armstrong to speak about his fall from grace as as result the interview was deemed as the most anticipated interview of the year. So, Oprah I ain’t mad at you. *fist bump*  I knew in my mind  this would be a very intensive interview. I have heard and witnessed on their reality show “Houstons: On Our Own”, Miss. Cissy doesn’t hold back any punches. She is straight old-school. ROUND ONE: FIGHT!!!!!!

The interview opens up with Cissy talking about the grieving process she experienced during the announcement of her daughter’s death. She said painfully with tears flowing down her face, “I was a wreck.”They would share a tender moment together and Whitney promised Cissy she would come see her after the Grammy Party thrown by her mentor Clive Davis.  We are shy away from a year  when  Whitney Houston left this earthly place only to return to her heavenly home. I can really tell  Cissy is taking it pretty hard. Her and Whitney were like the best of friends and shared a beautiful mother-daughter relationship. There are clips of her and Cissy singing together and pictures of them smiling. Whitney really adored her mother as well as Cissy adored Whitney. There were some things I noticed during the interview that came as a surprise to me.

1. Whitney’s relationship with former assistant Robin Crawford

There were rumors circulating about Whitney Houston and assistant/friend Robin Crawford having an intimate relationship. As her ex-husband Bobby Brown, admitted they were deeply involved before they got married. It is one of reasons why Whitney married Bobby  to divert the attention from the alleged lesbian lifestyle. Cissy spoke candidly about Robin describing her as “rude” and “disrespectful”. She admit that they were close but nothing too serious. In fact, Robin was the first person to tell Cissy about Whitney’s drug use.  In true Oprah style, she hit Cissy with the big gun question, ” Would you accept your daughter being gay?” Since, we know Cissy is Baptist and has a strong Christian deposition, I knew how she would respond with a resounding no. In fact, Miss. Cissy said, ” she would not allow it.” There are some critics who said Whitney was in love with Robin and the fact they had to separate is one of the reasons why she began entering into the drug scene.  Who knows what went behind close doors in Whitney’s life all we know is whatever happened then did not discredit her amazing talent.

2. Her relationship with Bobbi Kristina.

If you watched the reality show, Houstons: On Our Own which I think was a complete mess then you would see first hand how Bobbi Kristina treated her grandmother. First, Bobbi Kristina was  mad about Cissy writing a tell all book about her daughter, which it debuts today. As Bobbi Kristina said, she disapproves of her grandmother exposing the family secrets. Cissy describes her relationship with her granddaughter as iffy *hopefully I spelled it right*. They really haven’t spoken to each since the announcement of the book. Cissy once again with a strong deposition and would not tolerate some of the things Bobbi Kristina is doing. Cissy has an underlying fear to see her granddaughter go down the same path as her mother. Personally, It really boils my blood how Bobbi Kristina treats her grandmother. It is totally disrespectful and uncalled for. Cissy is the only person she has left besides her father. I know if Whitney was here to see this, she slap the piss out of her. I think Bobbi Kristina really to spend as much time with her grandmother before it’s too late. As I saw in Cissy’s eyes, she really do loves her granddaughter. As for granddaughter, she spend time and soak up as much wisdom as possible maybe it will open her eyes to current surroundings with you know who *side eye*

3. Bobby Brown is what Cissy don’t like!!!!!

Of course in any interview regarding Whitney, Bobby Brown has to be thrown into the mix. Miss.Cissy did not hold back her tongue on Mr.Brown. When asked by Oprah, “Does she like Bobby Brown?” She replied, “No.” I think she really wanted to say was “Hell to the no.”  Cissy told Oprah she did not want her daughter to marry him. We all knew about Cissy’s feelings towards Bobby Brown. On the brighter side, she is willing to speak with him. I wonder how that conversation will go.  I guess why Cissy did not like him because she foreseen he would bring out the worst in her. You have to admit Whitney Houston with Bobby Brown gave her some street credit. When the pop star burst into music scene crossing over dramatically, a lot of African-Americans did not accept her because she was not “black enough.” In fact, Cissy mentioned she was booed at Soul Train Music awards by her peers and Whitney cried backstage. Although, their relationship was the butt of everybody’s jokes, I think deep down inside past the drugs and craziness they loved each other. It does not change the fact Cissy was throwing major shade at Bobby.

4. The identity is revealed who started Whitney on drugs.

Everybody suspected Bobby Brown started Whitney on drugs but all was revealed on this interview who started her  cocaine spree. Michael Houston, Whitney’s brother, admitted he started her on freebasing backing the 80s when she was really big. Michael and Whitney were close and he told Oprah she called him “Son”. As I look at Michael, you can tell he has a mountain guilt for introducing his little sister to cocaine. He made a bold opening statement to Oprah when she asked him how are you feeling. He replied, ” I am living but not alive.” Even though, he felt guilty even his own sister Whitney reassured him that the choices she made was hers not influence by him. I am glad he was strong enough to admit it and now everybody can stop blaming Bobby for everything. I see Michael has a lot of healing to do but first he has to drop the weight of him being the cause of his sister’s demise. The choice was for her to make and not guilt for him  to take.

5. Cissy gets on Oprah.

Like I said earlier, Cissy was not holding back any punches. She had a few choice words for Oprah. Cissy admitted to Oprah she did not like her interview with Patricia and Bobbi Kristina three months after Whitney’s death. The reason is Cissy felt it was too soon for her family to talk about passing of Whitney. She chastised Pat for claiming to be ” protector” and not actually protecting Bobbi Kristina. When Cissy laid it on Oprah, you can tell in Oprah’s eyes there was guilt for doing that interview. At the time of the interview, Oprah was pressured by outside executives to make her own network station relevant. Sometimes, you have to understand in the business of journalism, people are pressured by outside forces to do some things that are ethically wrong in order to obtain the dollar bill. I am sure Oprah learned her lesson because Cissy taught it.

“You and Me against the world.” Final Thoughts

Overall, I think the interview was really touching to me. Cissy really misses her daughter and all of us can feel her ailing pain of losing a loved one. I saw in Cissy’s demeanor she is fully prepared to be with her daughter again in the friendly skies. I am very interested in reading her book about Whitney. She wrote this book in order to help with the grieving process. She reassured us this book is about the Whitney she knew. I believe all of her fans would really appreciate this book she wrote as a loving tribute to her only daughter. Rest on Whitney… please rest on 🙂

Related Links

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/27/cissy-houston-oprah-whitney-houston-death_n_2563691.html

http://www.amazon.com/Remembering-Whitney-Cissy-Houston/dp/0062238396/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359521824&sr=8-1&keywords=cissy+houston

Life After Whitney

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The Initial Shock

On Saturday, February 11, 2012 I was leaving my sister’s  house when I received an Associated Press notification on my iPhone. At first, I had ignored because I have gotten tired of hearing who won what state. Finally, I decided to look at the notification and got the shock of my night. AP reported, Whitney Houston died at the age of 48. I was appalled and full of emotion. It seemed like a bad dream just like when Michael Jackson died. Of course there where people who automatically claimed she died of the addiction to drugs especially cocaine.  Meanwhile, her ex-husband, Bobby Brown, was performing across my state line in Mississippi with his group New Edition. Every media outlet was trying to get Bobby’s reaction to his ex-wife death. Brown was shaken by his wife’s death but like a soldier he continued to performed. At the end of his set, he pointed to the sky and said, “I Love You.” All across the social media world, fans poured their hearts out about Whitney.  This could not come at worse time because the Grammys  was the following day. Whitney was found dead  in her room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. She was getting ready to do some projects and attend Clive Davis‘s annual Grammy party. Clive Davis still had the party downstairs while Houston life-less body laid upstairs. The thought of them having party made me sick to my stomach. I thought how heartless but that’s the music industry they only care about the publicity and the dollar bill. Since, the death of Whitney , the public focused  their attention on the cause of death, the family, and the comeback that could have been. There is one fact that is undeniable she is the voice that inspired a whole new generation and can never be replaced…EVER!!!!

The Comeback

As her mentor, Clive Davis, stated at the funeral Whitney was poised for another comeback. She finished the production on the remake of the movie Sparkle with co-star Jordin Sparks . While filming the movie, many of her co-stars described Whitney as looking healthy and sounding like herself. She recorded a track along with Jordin Sparks for the movie called Celebrate. It is written by the R&B legend R. Kelly. The movie is due to come out in August 2012. I can’t wait to see it. There were a lot of things coming up for Whitney Houston before her untimely death. Simon Cowell was going to consider her as a judge for the X-factor which I think she would have done a lot better than Brittney(no shade) just my opinion. The day of her death, she was due to film an imformerical and to be interviewed by the producers of Behind the Music. All the fans were awaiting for the old full force Whitney Houston to come back and awe us once again. All we are left with  is her music, legacy and what could have been.

Houston Family & Bobbi Kristina

When I received the news about her death, my mind immediately thought about her mother and daughter. They were the loves of her life. They meant everything to her. Bobbi Kristina took her mother’s death the hardest out of everyone. She was hospitalized twice for stress and anxiety. After Whitney’s death , Cissy has not spoken to press about her daughter’s death.  She will appear on the reality show this fall  which will air on the Lifetime network.  The press shifted their attention on Bobbi Kristina and what she is doing.  There have been reports about her leaving from the funeral to allegedly go get high. I don’t believe that. The most recent report is she walked off the set of Tyler Perry‘s show For Better For Worse. Perry immediately came to her defense and stated she did not leave but stayed throughout the entire taping. Also, Perry urged the press to leave Bobbi Kristina alone and let her live her life. I agree with Perry about the media attacking Bobbi Kristina. She is young woman going through the lost of the only person she loved and looked up to. Don’t talk about her but pray for her.

Something about Pat Houston that makes you go hmmmmmm…….

There is something about Pat Houston that don’t sit well in my spirit *as the old folks would say*. It is my honest opinion. Pat is Whitney’s sister-in-law and manager and she was with her the night before her death. In Oprah’s interview, she gave an account on what happened the night they were out in the club. Apparently, she and Whitney were enjoying themselves in a LA club when they were confronted by a X-Factor contestant, which was later identified as Stacey Francis. Francis kept following them around as a result they became irritated and left the scene.  She said some things in the interview that really had me suspicious. What really disturb me was how she reacted at the time when Whitney was found dead. Pat kept saying she walked very slow and didn’t run. I’m like that is weird. Why would you react the way you did unless you knew something. Then, she ordered her brother, Whitney’s bodyguard, to stop resuscitation on her. It made wonder why would she do that. Did she know something else pertaining to Whitney’s death? Could this have been prevented? Pat will appear on the reality show but I will keep a close eye on her. In fact, I’ll keep my good eye on her because something in water ain’t right.

 

The Men In Her Life…. Bobby and Ray J

Immediately, people in the media  said that Bobby Brown was the reason for Whitney’s demise. Brown was labeled as the bad boy of R&B. From his conflicts with his band mates and police , he was known as a drug addict and a uncontrolable man. Brown in a recent interview with Matt Lauer said he is not to blame and he loves Whitney.  Brown has since cleaned up and prepared to make a comeback.  I have to say Bobby did  look very good now days. Now, all he has to do is rebuild his image and gain the public’s trust again. In spite of the negativity that surrounds Bobby Brown, he is still to me the tender roni and humping around Bobby. Let’s talk about Brandy’s brother oops I mean Ray J. Before Whitney’s death, they were dating. I found it odd since the sex tape and reality shows failed.  I thought to myself……. why in all hell is he with her?  They seem to me the extreme odd couple. Before they were dating, Ray J was irrelevant. Name the last good Ray J song you heard………… Don’t worry I’ll wait. After Whitney’s death there where Twitter rumors about him becoming a preacher. I’ll believe that when it happens. Pat did say she was looking for love in all wrong places when she referred to Ray J. In the end,  Ray J needs to lay low and work on reviving his career . Most of all stop riding Whitney’s coat-tail.

In conclusion, Whitney’s death did leave the music business shaken.  Her music has heavily influenced some of the major pop divas today. Through her passing,  we must learn how to not judge someone battling with a problem or addiction.  The person is not their problem so stop labeling them by that. He or she is still a human being that bleeds, cries and rejoices. Whitney Houston was the voice made your soul quiver on every note. I’m glad she is singing in the heavenly choir in front of the Greatest Love Of All.