The Departure (The beginning/this is my moment)
On May 10, 2010, I walked across the stage with bright lights, classmates and family screaming my name into a luminous future I thought was set for me. The moment was so surreal. Who would have thought me, Tiffany, would be the first college graduate in my family. I knew my grandmother was smiling from heaven and it was a blessing for my daughter to witness this moment. This moment, my moment, one I had worked so hard for. This moment, my moment, where I fought my father, negative thoughts and even an old enemy called a learning disability to persevere in the midst of doubters . Here I am, a proud college graduate with a degree in Public Relations. Yes, this is a career I was made for. Being a publicist, it was my dream that no one could take from me. I was overwhelmed with joy. Now, I can move forward in a career and take care of my daughter and family. My plan was to pursue a career in public relations to not only help my family but to take people to another level in their life. Yes, I had big plans in my life. Yes, I DID HAVE big plans in my life. No one told me that being a college graduate during an economic recession would be filled with disappoints and doubts. My life from then on will be a plane ride with a lot of turbulence. The twists and turns would make me doubt my dream and even my moment. Yes, even that joyful moment.
The Flight (The realization of a dream deferred)
Upon graduation, I assumed that I would begin my career at a firm. I solely believed any firm would hire me because of all of my qualities. I love being around people and writing. I enjoyed the idea of hearing a person’s ideas and taking it to next level. I am an analytical person. I was always analyzing every commercial and campaign that ever came on television. I even thought about ideas to make that campaign better. So, a person who has all these qualities should not ever have to deal with the struggle of finding a firm. Right?? So wrong… Each, and every, time I got up in the morning, I searched on Indeed, Career Builder and Monster for Public Relations jobs. With my morning coffee and full of energy, I applied to everyone. My email soon became filled with the tagline, “Although, your application was impressive we decided to pursue other candidates. “ Denial after denial had me doubting the very thing I was so confident in, since my early childhood. I had to face the facts about a promise I made to my husband. I promised my husband that once he returned from Afghanistan that we would be fine, financially. I will be starting my career, he can quit his nighttime job and he can finish school. I felt indebted to my husband because he put his school on hold so I could finish. My husband was understanding and supportive but it still did not fill the void in my life. What am I to do? Where should I go? Who should I turn to?
Turbulence (The struggle gets real)
Every door was slammed in my face. So, I began to fall into a deep depression. Thoughts of taking my own life seemed to be the answer. My biggest fear was to die broke and not leaving my mark on the world. My dream, as a little girl, was never to become local, but global. Bills were piling up and people around me were getting blessed ten times bigger. At this point, I became mad at God. I thought to myself, I am your child so why are you treating me like this? I was churched out from sayings like:
It’s all in God’s timing.
What God has in store for you, it is for you.
Wait on the Lord. He may not come when you want him, but He is always on time.
It’s your season, your harvest is coming.
This is not the time for you to give up now.
You are next in line for your blessing.
Trust me: I’ve heard it all. My question was, “Lord, how long?” Why do you keep showing me in my dreams but nothing is coming to pass? Then, I thought what am I doing wrong? I got fed up and mad. I always came to God and said, “Lord, something has to give before I give up.” I stopped praying because I felt, and it still feels, like my prayers fell on deaf ears. My selfishness wants things to happen now, not in 10 or 20 years, but right now. Meanwhile, I am slowing falling back into a deep depression, sinking lower in doubt, and forcibly killing my dream with my bare hands. The baby I created drown in my unbelief. Finally, I felt less than a mother, wife, friend, and human being. I was a failure. My faith was absolutely gone. I was walking around a wounded woman bleeding openly from my heart. I’ve given all I got, what is next?
The Layover (Here I stand now.)
After my depression, I came out happy again and with a new perspective. At least, I had my health, family, friends and a hobby (my blog). I thought: I want to make myself more rounded. School became an option for me again. I felt a need to have a sense of accomplishment instead of lying at home, feeling sorry for myself. My time was spent on filling out applications and asking close friends and associates for favors. I felt good about my decision and I celebrated in the fact I will be attending school again. I found my happy place. But once again, the closing doors reopened the heart wound I thought was healed. I couldn’t go to school because I was not accepted into the program. Other applicants were better than me. So, I am not good enough to succeed. Lord, why is this happening to me, AGAIN? At this moment, I feel lost and stuck. Whitney Houston says it best, “Every road that I’ve taken led to my regret. I don’t know if I’m going to make it, nothing to do but lift my hands.” Honestly, I’m tired of crying and trying to achieve something I once believed in. The threshold of a seemingly open door now scares me. My heart can’t take the pain of disappointment anymore. The struggle is real, now more than it’s ever been because I’m staring 30 in the face. My life is waiting in the balance. I am waiting for my next flight. I want the runway to be clear for takeoff. I do thank my friends and family for encouraging me. At this point, I have lost faith in myself. I don’t believe in me anymore. I’m writing this while I’m going through to see if there are people out there who have been where I’ve been. If you have, how did you get through it? HONESTLY, I NEED HELP. I AM REACHING OUT TO OTHERS WHO FEEL HOW I FEEL. I don’t know what my next step is or the next move to make. My life is in a long layover mode. I am sitting in the airport of life watching others take off to their next destination while I wait….alone….for my flight.
Is it coming or will it ever come FOR ME…..